Before They Were Mine, But They Were Never Really Mine​

Issue 10

Before the kids, I couldn’t stand quiet, the suffocating loneliness
Where I dreamed of spontaneous dance parties, abandoned
Board game pieces scattered across the coffee table
And the rush to flap a kitchen towel in front of the shrieking
Smoke alarm when the cookies burned in the oven
Just like when I was growing up
 
Before the kids, I didn’t worry about my health
All the things I couldn’t eat, the pain of IV needles
Stabbing, digging, searching for my hidden veins
Nothing like the butterflies they were named after
I didn’t concern myself with the damage
That stress would do to my body
Causing my cells to attack themselves for years after
 
Before the kids, I didn’t know how to patch holes in walls
Where angry sixteen-year-old fists had punched through them
I never thought
I’d learn to ignore a screaming three-year-old’s
Tantrum once I noticed it was an unconsolable daily practice
I was powerless to stop
 
Before the kids, I didn’t understand the permanence
Of my actions, I didn’t realize that decision would lead
To hospital visits, mountains of medication
And natural supplements I’d devour in futile attempts
To stop the pain, slow the bleeding
I didn’t know that quiet
Was a precious gift, never to be taken for granted
 
Before the kids, I wasn’t aware that swirls of pink
Sharpie would never
Come out of beige carpet, that they would stay there
As a glaring reminder of what could never be undone
 
When I fought to take them in—all five of them, I hadn’t thought
About the consequences for them either, the daily terror
Of living with a stranger, separated from their parents
By miles of land, heavy bars, and piles of paperwork
I didn’t consider their bodies, full of the traumas
They’d already endured
And the ones ahead of them

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Lauren Oertel ​is a community organizer based in Austin, TX. Her work has been published in The Ravens Perch, Evening Street Review, Gemini Magazine, Last Stanza Poetry Journal, Noyo Review, The Bloom, Steam Ticket, The Bluebird Word, MONO., Mystic Owl Magazine, Bridge Eight, and The Sun Magazine.

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