Where She Leads |
Issue 6
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There was no free will when I got trapped in her orbit. She crawls in and embeds herself to your soul and refuses to let go.
I met her in a hospital…meet cute of the century right? It’s not like I actively look for love anymore. I’m not even sure I know what it is. Most days I don’t even know if I want it. Maybe some people just aren’t built for love. Maybe love is just an idea ingrained in us from our parents. I think most of us just settle on the idea just so we can justify not being alone. Perfectly cloned lives, cookie cutter perfect fits of a dream we have been sold. Then they dangle that golden carrot in forms of fairytales the ever elusive soulmates, fireworks, white picket fence, once in a lifetime kind of love stories. So we throw on those rose colored glasses and convince ourselves that good enough is fairytale love. We walk down the aisle and chain ourselves to the lie. I have had the so-called Prince Charming and the white wedding, the house and the two kids. I also could have had the straight out of high school love. The kind you think is real but it’s just the idea of forever that makes you say yes. None of them ever made me feel whole like she does. So If soulmates are spiritual bullshit then why does it feel like when we say goodbye a part of me is taken with her? Why does she feel like she fills that one empty puzzle piece inside of me perfectly? How could she immediately make me feel like we have known each other forever? I thought she was beautiful the very first time I saw her. She just made the room brighter. She would smile at me like I was important. I hated being separated from her even then. Because I had never met someone that seemed to get me on such a soul level. The more I got to know her as time went by I wanted to do anything in my power to protect her and love her so fiercely she would never question her worth again. But what they fail to tell you is sometimes love is hard and even soulmates sometimes separate. |
SAMANTHA CARROLL won 1st Place of the Fiction Writing Contest. She is a native of South Carolina. She has been writing since she was 11 years old. When she isn’t writing she enjoys flower arranging and spending time with her two kids.
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I questioned why she left, so many times. Was she really gone? She couldn’t have left me. We were never going to leave each other. I kept wishing I would wake up from whatever nightmare I was trapped in. I would hear her name and I would fall apart. I spent months in a blur of alcohol and drugs. Maybe the right combination and it would all end. It felt like the crater within my chest was eating me alive. I spent months writing notes to her because they were important for her to know. Because she couldn’t really be gone. I always thought she had realized she had the same feelings for me that I had for her and that scared her and she ran…but sometimes we try to rationalize everything the best we can when we are left with all questions and no answers. I stalked her social media…I’ll admit I just had to know she still breathed. What kind of cruel empty world would it really be if she wasn’t shining in it? I took on absolutely anything to keep me distracted. I worked on becoming someone she would deem worthy of her. I felt after awhile it really was me; I was the problem. If I could just be smarter, richer, prettier, better even she would realize I would be worth it. I begged a faceless man in the sky to bring her back to me please just bring her back…home was always the word that came to me because she’s my home and I was her’s right? After awhile I decided to just beg that she was safe, well and happy. Always trying to find someone or something to fill the void. But no one no matter how much their eyes sparkle could ever be her. She could never be second best or some rebound. No she’s the sun! Essential to my very survival. She’s the first thought when my eyes try to shake the sleep away. Her name echos in my brain until sleeps consumes me in its hold at night. She’s the person I want to share everything with even the most meaningless things. She’s the one I want when I feel awful or when I am ecstatic. I can’t imagine a life without her by my side and honestly I don’t want to. Because my heart feels on its deepest level that we are meant for each other. Just past traumas and fears keeps us from just finally taking that leap. So I just try to pretend the feelings don’t exist.
I lied and pretended that I didn’t become whole again when she returned. Because life without her is a half life…you never can breathe like you’re supposed to. Colors just aren’t exactly the same without her. She makes you whole. She completes you. There was no free will when I got trapped in her orbit. She crawled inside my very soul and refused to let go. My heart belongs to only her. I’m no longer in control. Where she leads I follow. She moves and it’s like a cord is attached somewhere within me and I am pulled towards her accordingly. I swear she feels it too but she tries to convince me it’s just lust not love. I know she’s wrong. I love touching her even if it’s only our pinkies touching. It’s such a comfort having her within reach. I love how she talks in her sleep and the little giggles that happen sometimes too. I love how she talks while we watch tv shows. I love how messy her hair is when she first wakes up. It’s so beautiful and I would die to have hair like her. I love all of her, not just the very best parts. I know sometimes she doesn’t think she deserves it but I really love getting to love her and all the things about her that make her, her.
I want to fall asleep next to her. I want to wake up to her face every morning. She is the person I want at all my doctor’s appointments with me. The person I want to grocery shop with. Do things like laundry and dishes. I want to sit next to her while we both read.
She’s not hard to love. It’s so simple and effortless and I hope she never changes who she is because she is perfect just the way she is. I don’t have all the answers but I swear we are fated to be in each other’s lives. Someone long before our existence wrote us in the stars.